A Child of True Believers

"I survived Catholic school!" proclaimed a bumper sticker message that periodically appeared on cars some years ago. Said Sayrafiezadeh, author of When Skateboards Are Free (Dial Press, 2010) could logically show his own adaptation of that message, "I survived the Socialist Workers Party childhood." In fact his story even has a parallel with the Roman Catholic Church's sex abuse scandal that has been so well publicized in recent times. As a four-year-old, Said was the sex abuse victim of a Socialist Workers Party member in whose care his mother left him one evening. And when his mother reported it to the party, (but not to the police) a party representative blew her away saying, "Under capitalism, everyone has problems." She might as well have written to the Vatican.
But we are getting too far ahead of the story. Said has a much stronger identity than just that of a one-time sex abuse victim. The son of (an absent) Iranian immigrant father and a mother born "Martha Finkelstein," he was a prisoner of their particular political obsession Despite the vast cultural gap between the backgrounds of his parents, they had a common bond as "true believers," devotees of the Socialist Workers Party.
Said's father split when Said was a child, not to see his son for years - and then only during occasional brief and awkward reunions. During one such meeting, a dinner to belatedly celebrate Said's birthday, his father showed him a recent edition of the party's newspaper which he regularly talked around town. "How much does it cost?" The birthday boy asked. "It's a calculated question," Said writes, hoping his father would offer it to him in lieu of a more appropriate gift. "A dollar 50," his father says in a tone that clearly says, "you have to pay."
Because of his father's "normal" absence from his life Said has virtually no Iranian identity, save the fact of his name and his Middle Eastern looking face, both of which created serious difficulties for him when he was in seventh grade in 1979 when American jingoism and intolerance ran high because of the hostage crisis in Iran.
Unfortunately for Said, although his mother loved him in her fashion, she too contributed to his childhood of deprivation. Despite her college education, she chose lower paying jobs that she might otherwise have had, relegating the two of them to life in a series of cramped apartments. She also held onto a fantasy that Said's father would eventually reunite with her.
Said's mother also regularly dragged the boy to party meetings and weekend party conferences and importantly, inculcated the parties mythology as he was growing up.
Despite the neglect to which it Said was exposed, like the best of the genre, his memoir is a beautiful work of art that dispassionately describes a bizarre childhood with nary a hint of self-pity. A variety of scenes are likely to stay in my mind for some time: Said in Cuba as a 12-year-old during a weeklong visit in the company of party members, but without his mother. Said standing up before his middle school classmates for a show and tell sort of exercise, stating that he holds in his hand an article about a minority candidate for the presidency during the election which resulted in Khomeini coming to power. But he becomes tongue-tied and does not tell them that the candidate is his father.
"All happy childhoods are the same, but unhappy childhoods are not," Tolstoy might have written. There are numerous memoirs about bizarre and unhappy childhoods. Many are interesting even if they're not well written. Said's is more than interesting and it is beautifully written.

THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD?

Just returned from a wonderful memoir conference at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck New York.

The program featured some wonderful writers including Susanna Sonnenberg, Darcy Steinke, Nick Flynn James Kullander, Fred Poole, Saïd Sayrafiezadeh, Susanna Sonnenberg, Darcey Steinke and Marta Szabo.

The two surviving memoir writing brothers of the "Flying McCourts" (my designation) were also on the program, but Malachy, the second oldest brother broke his hip and was in rehab. The youngest, Alphie, a wonderful writer and a charming, low-key, witty man with a marble intelligence did make it, however.

I'll talk first about Susanna Sonnenberg, author of Her Last Death: A Memoir, who now lives in Montana. Susanna, 44, is a survivor of a traumatic childhood. "You win, Susanna Sonnenberg. You have the worst mother in the world, " said one reviewer in reaction to her book.”A voice with a lot of integrity . . .  a fantastic writer" said another reviewer. In brief, Susanna's mother gave her cocaine when she was 12, and seduced Susanna's boyfriend when Susanna was 14.

I sat down with Susanna on the porch outside of the Institute's Café and talked with her for a while about her memoir and writing in general. Susanna's father and grandfather's, and stepmother all wrote memoirs, and she told me that she started writing at 11, with a diary which she maintained for over a decade. "I've always looked at the world through writing," she told me with a smile.

Susanna's earned money as a writer since college and in the last five years, she's been able to make her living that way. Regarding her memoir, which I will read soon (Omega's bookstore had sold-out all copies of it by the time I came along), she said, "the construction of "I" is where I trust my voice."

People come to write memoirs from different starting points. The focus of Susanna's was clear from the time she woke up at 4 AM one day and   saw the book in her mind. Shortly afterward, in response to an article that she published in Elle Magazine, four agents contacted her asking if she was working on a book. From there things went quickly, so quickly that she is embarrassed to say. But as she pointed out, Susanna had been writing for 25 years before she sold her memoir.

I also sat in on a workshop that Susanna ran for about 15 people. Unfortunately, although Susanna, for obvious reasons, has had issues of trust and betrayal, even though I had interviewed her, I did not make clear that I was attending the workshop as a journalist rather than as a participant. When I mentioned the prime reason for my presence at the workshop, everybody, including me, became upset. We straightened things out. But never underestimate the ability of a self-centered male to screw things up.

From a public reading at the end of the whole program, we all got a sense of what an extraordinarily fine writer Susanna is. In addition, during her workshop session, she demonstrated a wonderful sensitivity to other writers, crucial to being an excellent teacher which she is. "Write something you've never written before," she told the group. "I won't ask you to read it aloud. Don't worry." And we all followed suit. I wrote about THE most embarrassing moment in my life, but did so in a way that I realized that after revision it might even be publishable without giving me the embarrassment that would truly make me jump off a cliff.

Matthew Shepard's mother's memoir: recalling a brutal killing

The 1998 murder of 21-year-old Matthew Shepard because he was gay, shocked the world. The image of his body tied to a fence carried over into at least one TV show, Bones. But like other world headline making crimes such as the 1985 killing of Leon Klinghoffer who was thrown overboard in 1985 from the Achille Lauro, or the 2002 decapitation of reporter Daniel Pearl, with time it has receded from many people's memories.

Publication of Judy Shepard's (Matthew's mother) memoir, The Meaning of Matthew: My Son's Murder in Laramie, and a World Transformed (Hudson Street Press, 2009) casts the young man's murder in a light that I suspect may burn it and its significance deeper into readers' psyches. Put simply, Matthew, victim of a horrendous crime, was also someone's son. For sure there are parents with hearts so hardened from homophobia that they cannot sympathize. But I suspect and hope that they are a tiny percentage of the American population.

I believe that any parent who reads Judy Shepard's slow starting book will come away from the experience a bit changed. With no intention to compare homophobic killings to the immensity of the Holocaust, I suggest that just as Anne Frank's diary was the first book to put a single victim's face on the Holocaust, Shepard's puts one on the continuing epidemic of hate towards gays.
Although The Meaning of Matthew should probably be read with a supply of tissues on hand, it is much more than a tearjerker. We learn that long before Matthew outed himself to his mother - a difficult step for him - he asked her not to tell his father -she suspected he was gay and worried that he would never have a family of his own. In addition, Matthew was not street smart and at the age of 18 or so, he was raped one night while abroad with some classmates, by a group of three men. The incident left him with post traumatic syndrome which appears to have left a permanent mark on him.

Matthew' s difficulties with his identity also extended beyond the difficulty he had revealing his secrets to his father. He told two of his grandparents who seemed fine with the revelation, until his grandmother was asked if she would be willing to meet Matthews gay friends; she flunked the test by refusing.
Judy Shepard first learned about the circumstances of her son's death when, returning to the US from Saudi Arabia where her husband had been working, she saw a New York Times headline in airport kiosk. Summoned home for an unspecified emergency concerning Matthew, it was only in the hospital that the Shepards learn how serious things were. There they found him unconscious, his face and skull having been smashed in.

One of the unexpected consequences of what quickly become an event of worldwide significance, was a sympathy call from President Clinton. Initially Matthew's father refused to take it, fearing Clinton was trying to gain some political capital by calling. This was the first sign of things to come.
After Matthew's death, the family had to deal with the memorial service they arranged for him becoming a media event; CNN wanted to film the entire service. Even worse, a fanatical Christian group calling itself the Westboro Baptist Church, which travels the country protesting Gay pride events, picketed outside the church and later outside the courthouse when Matthew's killers were tried. "God hates fags," read one of their picket signs. With all the media storm created by the murder and the memorial service, the police even had Matthew's father wear a bulletproof vest he made a statement to the press.

In the aftermath of Matthew's death, Judy Shepard established a Matthew Shepard foundation devoted to fostering respect for other people, especially non-heterosexuals. Sheppard mentions that repeatedly Republicans have blocked adoption of a hate crime bill. She also briefly blasts the Catholic Church because Roman Catholic priests and the Newman Center tried to influence the jury and the outcome of the trial by persecuting the prosecutor of Matthew's killers.
Don't worry about the few moments in which you will need the tissues. In the end, The Meaning of Matthew is a reaffirmation of a mother's life and her love.

Memoir Festival July 16-18, 2010 - Rhinebeck, New York

Omega is sponsoring what promises to be a terrific memoir festival. I'm going. Meet me there! Below is the URL: Howard

http://eomega.org/omega/workshops/458ca10c5a87cb22553ba80b1633938f/?content=LNK&source=WEB.OM.HB&subject=CF

 Faculty

Nick Flynn is the author of a new book, The Ticking is the Bomb, which comes on the heels of his first stunning memoir, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City, winner of a PEN/Martha Albrand Award. (Nick Flynn will not be in attendance Friday evening.) nickflynn.org
Malachy McCourt, an actor, singer and raconteur, is as moving and entertaining in real life as he is in many books, including the best-selling, highly acclaimed memoir, A Monk Swimming.
Susanna Sonnenberg, author of Her Last Death, has published essays in Elle, O, The Oprah Magazine, and Parenting. susannasonnenberg.com
Alphie McCourt is the author of A Long Stone’s Throw. The youngest of the famed McCourt brothers, he has written for the Washington Post, The Villager, the Limerick Leader, and Icons magazine.
Darcey Steinke is the author of Easter Everywhere, as well as several novels. Her writing has appeared in Spin, Art Forum, The Guardian magazine, and the Village Voice, and she teaches at Columbia University, the New School, and Goddard College.
Saïd Sayrafiezadeh is the author of When Skateboards Will Be Free, as well stories and essays for The Paris Review, Granta, and Open City. sayrafiezadeh.com
Fred Poole is the founder of Authentic Writing and the author of Authentic Writing: A Memoir on Creating Memoir. authenticwriting.com
Marta Szabo is codirector of Authentic Writing and author of the The Guru Looked Good. She writes for the blog, Mostly Memoir, and posts her writing regularly online at Experiments in Memoir. authenticwriting.com
James Kullander is a program developer and editor at Omega, as well as a freelance writer. His acclaimed essay, “My Martial Status,” originally published in The Sun magazine, was anthologized in The Best Buddhist Writing 2008.jameskullander.com

What’s So Funny About Borscht, Anyway?

What’s So Funny About Borsht, Anyway?

review by Monique Paturel
Just finished Rhoda Janzen’s Mennonite in a Little Black Dress: A Memoir of Going Home, an entertaining account of her time back in the fold of her Mennonite family. She begins with three events that had the collective power to send her home. 

      The first crisis involved a botched radical hysterectomy with the surgeon “accidentally punch[ing] a hole in two of [her] organs” leaving her incontinent, with husband Nick responsible for her care. The second crisis was a car accident a few months later involving a drunk driver. Broken bones and bruises she rolls around the house in casts in an office chair with one arm immobilized. Where’s Nick? Packing up to leave for his new lover Bob, whom he met on Gay.com. That would be the third crisis. What a crappy week.  Rhoda gathers herself up and goes home to California, back to her Mennonite family and roots.

      Janzen’s mother is a woman comfortable in her skin. Down-home goodness and honesty make the perfect foil for her daughter, who has spent too much time in an abusive marriage forgetting what authenticity looks like. Her father, frugal and handsome, is the model patriarch. Together they seem to remind Rhoda of everything she hated about her childhood.

      Jansen’s resentment of the Mennonite culture creeps quietly through the book. Her humor is gratuitously mean-spirited at times. Her brothers, who continue to embrace the Mennonite lifestyle, marry and have children within the community. Why she is surprised that they don’t want to talk politics or beliefs with her is perplexing.  Staying off uncommon ground seems a sensible strategy given their divergent lifestyles and history of theological boxing matches. Her sarcasm toward the sisters-in-law whose tastes and lifestyles are ridiculed made me cringe. This went nowhere, wasn’t that funny, and sounded bitchy. But she’s hard on herself too, with self-disapproval swathed in humor accompanying us throughout the book. 

      Even with the helpful primer in the back, I came away not really understanding the Mennonites as an ethnic religious community. Bits of tradition, mostly in food form, are on each page, but I never got the gestalt of the culture. The food bits were fun though. The image of a cabbagey bowl of borscht being opened in an elementary school cafeteria filled me with dread on her behalf. Surely kids have been tortured for less.

      This review sounds like a pan, but I actually enjoyed reading Mennonite in a Little Black Dress. Janzen is a funny and concise writer. (Though her vocabulary often overshoots the crowd.) While memoirs are typically based on memory, this book has the added strand of writing about her experiences in real time. There was something I liked about distant memory, recent memory, and yesterday playing off one another.

      As the extent of Nick’s abuse and mental illness are exposed, we begin to understand that Janzen’s coming home to heal had less to do with recent events and all to do with her 15 years with a man who took advantage of her early training at subservience. With time she begins to soften and allow herself to remember that the faith and kindness of her past is not her enemy. That’s when she truly arrives home.

memoir session at forthcoming NYC writers conference

 http://www.mmm.edu/cgi-bin/MySQLdb?MYSQL_VIEW=/news/view_event.txt&newsid=537

Writers' Conference 2007 (for a full description of the conference copy the above URL and paste it in your browser. To read about just the memoir session, scroll below)

June 7, 2007

Described as “the best one-day writers’ conference in the land,” over 70 distinguished authors, agents and publicists will discuss how to succeed in the literary world. Cynthia Ozick and Sara Nelson, Editor-in-Chief of Publisher’s Weekly, will serve as keynote speakers. Joining them will be a who’s who of literature, from Mary Higgins Clark to Claire Messud. As always, there will also be a networking reception following the day’s discussion panels.

When: Thursday, June 7, 8:30 a.m. - 5:30 p.m.

Where: Marymount Manhattan College (221 E. 71st Street, NYC)

Cost: $175 if registered before June 1, $195 afterwards. Lunch and reception included.

Register now! Call (212) 774-4810.

Special rate if you register for Conference and Writing Intensives at the same time! Total cost is $525 before June 1, $585 afterwards.

11:15 a.m. – 12:15 p.m. SESSION II

Memoir
Moderator: Sidney Offit – Author, Memoir of the Bookie’s Son
Panelists: Debby Applegate – Author, The Most Famous Man in America: The Biography of Henry Ward Beecher, winner of the Pulitzer Prize
Sir Harold Evans – Former Editor, The Sunday Times, Random House; Author, The American Century
Christopher Lehmann-Haupt – Author, Me and DiMaggio: A Baseball Fan Goes in Search of His Gods
Daphne Merkin – Contributing Writer, The NY Times Magazine and Author of Enchantment: A Novel
Patricia Volk – Author, White Light, All It Takes, and The Yellow Banana
Carole O'Malley Gaunt - Author, Hungry Hill: A Memoir

Some New Memoir Titles

Allison, Jane. The Sisters Antipodes: A Memoir. Mariner, 2010.
Batuman, Elif. The Possessed: Adventures with Russian Books and the People Who Read Them. Farrar Straus & Giroux, 2010.
Blodgett, Bonnie. Remembering Smell:A Memoir of Losing Discovering- the Primal Sense. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2010.
Butturini, Paula. Keeping the Feast: One Couples Story Love, Food and Healing in Italy, Riverhead Books, 2010.
Pfeiffer, Jules. Backing Into Forward:A Memoir. Nan A. Talese, 2010.
Hastings, Michael. I Lost My Love in Baghdad:A Modern War Story. Scribner, 2010.
Kerman, Piper.Orange is the New Black: My Year in a Women's Prison. Spiegel and Grau, 2010.
Koterba, Geoffrey. Inklings: A Memoir. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2010.